In our society, we often find it profoundly difficult to speak openly about dying.
When a family member or close friend is near to death, the emotional toll of the situation can make us feel lost for words.
We worry we’ll upset the person, that we’ll get flustered and say the wrong thing, or that acknowledging the situation will cause us pain. It’s very common for people to default to avoiding the topic altogether.
‘The conspiracy of silence is so common, and so heartbreaking. The elderly expect death, and many try to talk to others about their hopes and wishes. But often they are rebuffed by the young, who cannot bear, or even contemplate, those thoughts that are the constant companion of the aged and the sick.’ – Dr Kathryn Mannix
Avoiding these deeply personal conversations can lead to feelings of isolation for both the patient and their families and friends. Knowing how to approach talking about death when a loved one is dying can feel daunting, but having these discussions is one of the most loving, validating things you can do for them.
Let’s look at 5 compassionate guidelines to help you navigate these sensitive conversations with empathy, honesty and grace.
Choose the Right Time and Setting
Conversations about end-of-life care and death shouldn’t be rushed. If you need a significant discussion, we recommend choosing a quiet, comfortable and private setting.
Turn off your mobile phone, minimise background noise like a TV or radio, and ensure you have plenty of uninterrupted time. Often a person who is dying may initiate these conversations themselves. They might make passing comments about their declining health, how tired they feel, or their worries for the future.
Listen for these cues. If they begin the conversation, sit down and give them your full attention. Let them know you’re ready to listen.
Be Honest and Gentle
You might find yourself using well-meaning euphemisms such as ‘fading away’ or ‘passing on’ to soften the blow of a terminal diagnosis. However, when someone is dying or near to death using clear communication with correct terminology prevents unnecessary confusion or misunderstandings.
You don’t need to be blunt or harsh, but being gently honest about the reality of the situation allows everyone to process their grief openly together. Sometimes simply saying, ‘I’m thinking this must be difficult for you, but I am right here with you’ is the most effective form of comfort you can offer.
Listen More Than You Speak
When we feel uncomfortable or anxious, our natural defence mechanism is to fill the silence. If you’re talking to someone who is dying or near to death, a calm, steady presence can help them relax.
We’d recommend practicing active listening. This means allowing the individual to guide the direction of the conversation. They may want to talk about their funeral wishes, reminisce about childhood memories, or simply express their emotions.
Let them speak without interrupting or changing the subject.
Remember that sitting together in comfortable silence is also a deeply valid form of communication.
Ask Exactly How They Want to Be Supported
Supporting someone who is near to death often requires a delicate balance between emotional care and practical, day-to-day assistance. Do not assume you know what they need, instead, ask them directly.
Some days, they may want to have deep, meaningful discussions about their legacy and life’s achievements. On other days, they might just want you to make a cup of tea or be with them.
Giving them the autonomy to dictate their own care and support empowers them during a time when they likely feel they have lost a great deal of control over their life and body.
Involve Children with Appropriate Care
It’s a natural, loving instinct to want to protect children from the pain of bereavement and loss. However, keeping them entirely in the dark can cause more distress and confusion in the long run. Explaining that a family member is near to death to younger relatives should be done using clear, honest, age-appropriate and developmentally appropriate language.
Remember, some children will need more than one conversation around the topic, especially once the individual has died.
They may repeatedly ask, ‘When is Grandma coming back?’ or ‘Where has Auntie gone?’. This ins’t because they don’t care about their loved one dying, it’s due to their level of understand about the concept of death.
Questions like these should be answered as simply and as honestly as you can. It can also be helpful to repeatedly assure them that the emotions they’re feeling are completely normal.
Finally, avoid using phrases like ‘going to sleep’ or ‘lost’ to explain someone has died. This can inadvertently cause children to fear their own bedtime or believe that the individual will wake up at some point, or that they need to find them if they are ‘lost’. Consider how the words we use can be understood literally.
You Don’t Have to Face It Alone
Tapping House takes part in Dying Matters Awareness Week because we know that, as a culture, we don’t talk enough about death and dying.
By dodging the topic, we miss the opportunity to deeply engage with the most natural and most certain outcome of all.
When death comes, we don’t need to steel ourselves for a confrontation. It can be a continuation of a discussion we started long ago, at the kitchen table, with friends and family.
Finding Support at Tapping House
Having a loved one who is near to death is heavy burden to carry alone.
Tapping House provides specialist palliative care, advanced symptom management and emotional support for patients and their families across Norfolk and North Cambridgeshire. You can refer to our services here.
Our Compassionate Communities team also runs a series of workshops that can provide you with information and resources that can help you understand end of life and what you need to do prepare for it. You can find out more about Compassionate Communities workshops here.
We are also pleased to be able to offer more FREE childhood loss and bereavement awareness training sessions, designed to support teachers and school/college staff in helping pupils cope with grief and loss. You can book your place at one of these training sessions here.