There is a point for all of us where we find we must face death. For some of us, this is a confrontation and a painful one, at that.
Discussing death and dying has become challenging for our society because Western culture has lost the familiarity it once held with the dying process and death itself.
Discomfort, pain and sadness are often represented as the main, or only, emotions felt when we think about dying. This is reinforced by what we see on television or in films, what we read in novels and witness on social media. It has created a cultural norm that death should be kept in the shadows, and conversations on the topic reserved for ‘when the time comes’.
The reality of discussing death is often quite different.
It can bring tenderness and warmth. It helps us accept what we may have unknowingly labelled as ‘DON’T EXAMINE’.
‘Discussing what to expect during dying, and understanding that the process is predictable and usually reasonably comfortable, is of comfort and support to dying people and those who love them.’ – Dr Kathryn Mannix
Death is one of the great unknowns in life, but this doesn’t mean that the dying process itself is unknown, unrecognisable, or unmanageable.
In fact, there are typical trajectories for many terminal illnesses and discussing what these trajectories look like and what behavioural and physiological changes can be anticipated often gives dying individuals and their families much more peace of mind.
One of the greatest qualities of Tapping House is how equipped we are to educate and support patients (and their families) as they’re dying. We embrace all the emotions they may experience. We share in them, too.
By encouraging people to have discussions around death, dying and future care as early on as possible – even if there is no indication that the end of life is imminent – we help them to feel more in control of the process.
Hospice UK found that just three in ten (31%) adults know how to make arrangements to ensure they die in the place they would wish to. With a statistic like this, it’s no wonder, then, that death feels like a terrifying topic.
A weight is lifted from people’s shoulders when they know, and have documented, exactly how they’d like to be cared for, what they would and wouldn’t want and any unique wishes they’d like fulfilled before and/or after their death.
It may not feel particularly easy or natural to have these conversations, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t worth having.
Getting the Conversation Started
So, how do we start talking about death?
There’s no doubt that discussing death and dying requires bravery, but it often isn’t as difficult as people might expect.
If you’re initiating the conversation, then knowing what you’d like to say and who you’d like to hear it is the perfect first step. Do you want to discuss your current health with family? Plan for your future care? Share with friends what you would like at your funeral?
If a loved one has begun the discussion about death and dying then leading with compassion first is often most helpful. It’s understandable that you may feel sad or uncertain about how to respond, but remember that you’re involved in the conversation out of love, to be fully included in someone’s final phase of life.
For both parties: it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to feel upset, angry, uncertain or fearful. This is an entirely natural response to potential loss.
Once the waves of these emotions have passed, it often allows for stiller, more peaceful waters.
As a result of talking, you’ll be aware of your or your loved one’s wishes. You’ll know what planning needs to be put in place. You’ll begin to accept the natural process of death that we’ll all face at some point.
Talking about death and dying doesn’t have to be a monumental, overwhelming conversation (though it can be, and this is perfectly normal!). For most people, it actually isn’t just one conversation but a series of them.
Much like any fear, talking about death can seem like an insurmountable mountain because of how we’ve framed it.
Once we move the topic from our minds and into discussion, we often find it is easier than expected.
Top Tips for Discussing Death
‘We hear from people who have had an experience of a death that they wish that they had been more prepared for, particularly in conversations around what to expect physically when someone dies, what to ask health care professionals and how to challenge and navigate the health care system.’ – Age UK
We’ve put together our top tips for discussing death and dying, but if you feel that these conversations are too difficult to manage alone, then we encourage you to speak to a trained professional, such as your GP. They will likely be able to provide you with advice and resources.
You could even see if your local hospice can offer you support.
At Tapping House, our Compassionate Communities team run several workshops to provide education and support on understanding the dying process, how you can prepare for it, and how you can speak to your loved ones about what to expect.
Don’t wait to talk
There is no ideal time, no ideal moment, to begin talking about death. We don’t advise you save it for the ‘right’ time. The sooner you begin discussions about dying, the quicker you’ll feel in control and prepared for the future.
Allow silence
It’s so common to worry that you won’t say the right thing to someone when talking about death. This worry can lead to interruptions, filling the silence or changing the subject. Most people aren’t looking for a ‘correct’ response – they just want to feel heard.
Be curious
It’s totally normal to feel scared when discussing the unknown, but you will likely feel better for it. You may feel sad, may feel relieved, may feel both and more! Embracing the emotions instead of resisting them will help you process the conversation.
You Don’t Have to Face It Alone
Tapping House takes part in Dying Matters Awareness Week because we know that, as a culture, we don’t talk enough about death and dying.
By dodging the topic, we miss the opportunity to deeply engage with the most natural and most certain outcome of all.
When death comes, we don’t need to steel ourselves for a confrontation. It can be a continuation of a discussion we started long ago, at the kitchen table, with friends and family.
Compassionate Communities